The voice in your mind telling you that you’re a failure, that you don’t matter, that you are stupid or ugly, isn’t yours to carry around anymore.

That voice belongs to an unkind human who projected their insecurities, their pain, their bad day onto you. They made you carry their weight instead of dealing with it themselves. It might also belong to a society hellbent on making money from your feelings of inadequacy. One thing’s for sure, it’s not yours.

In carrying around someone else’s negative voice, you’re carrying their burdens, their heavy weight on your back. People don’t say hurtful things like “You’re stupid” or make comments about your body unless they themselves are hurt. Happy, confident, secure people don’t usually feel the need to be unkind. But those who have been hurt have no one to unload their pain, which is why they end up handing the whole bag over to you with a simple “you’re such a failure.” And then you have to carry their weight like it’s yours.

They’ll make you feel like you asked for their weight too because they cannot possibly take responsibility for the fact that they handed over such heavy things to someone else. They’ll unload that guilt onto you too, which phrases like “If you only were less like your [father/mother].” Or things like “you really should have just done [x] and then you wouldn’t have failed.”

The thing about burdens is that with some vulnerability, instead of unloading them, we can ask others to help carry them instead. But careful here too, as we might accidentally unload if we’re not gentle. It’s important to ask someone first if they’re open to helping with a question like: “I’m not feeling well, can I share something?” or “Is it ok to talk about _.”

Venting to people you trust is another great way of getting help for our burdens.

As you may have noticed, consent is key. If you didn’t consent to carry someone’s pain, you may end up carrying it like your own. Again, asking upfront “Is ok if I vent about what happened to me today,” is a great way to start that chat. And then you’ll no longer be alone in your worry and the other person will likely feel less heavy from having helped you.

You may think the voice in your mind which tells you that you’re stupid, or unlovable or undeserving of care is your own. We spend hours mulling over these words. They echo in our minds and determine what we decide we are incapable of doing. They sabpotage us when we need love, care and support the most.

So, if all starts to feel heavy, check the weight of the burden you are carrying. Check to see who it’s from, it was likely never yours from the start.