Am I sure I have ADHD? How I remembered I was neurodivergent and learned Self-Compassion Again.
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Mxiety logo, a manaquin wearing flowers, headphones and glasses and the words: How I remembered I was neurodivergent and learned to love my ADHD
Am I sure, I have ADHD? How I remembered I was neurodivergent and learned to love myself as I am.
The days are long
Alright, if I could just breathe and take a moment, I’m sure I can finish—when I went over to my computer what I was starting to do? Oh, that’s right! –wow there’s a sale on those? We’re running out better grab them…--OH SH** that email. …thanks so much for your message, please find attached my bio and headshot. To answer your question—OH SH** I forgot the meeting! (joins Zoom) I’M SO SORRY!
Honestly, this has been my mind works and my day has gone for years. Eons. Ages. For as long as I can recall what (takes long pause, remembers that she was writing this and was trying to find a word) “finding focus” has meant to me as an adult who went to college, graduated with honors and got a job right out the gate. I overachieved because not only did I have to compensate for the way I am. But I had to go higher, faster, better.
This wasn’t a perfectionism problem. This was a -I cannot function unless I overcompensate problem- …or so I thought.
Of course, I found a career entirely dedicated to organizing myself and others. I’d become amazing and quite efficient at it. And when I didn’t do so well? Well, that’s when I could utilize my old friend self-loathing again. If I was born with ADHD, and born into a world that didn’t accommodate that, then I was born to be a Project Manager. And honestly, as dark as that origin story of my career is, I’m quite proud of the PM I am.
But now it was all breaking down. Caffeine isn’t it for my anxious mind. Mindfulness is important but doesn’t quite cut it. It’s time that I took my need for medication to function seriously. Again. Last time I took medication was right after I was diagnosed at 28, a little before I got pregnant. And I didn’t have a chance to get far with it before I had to come off so as not to hurt an incoming baby in my belly with the stuff my mind needs to function.
What a choice.
Pregnancy and ADHD are Rough Together
When I got pregnant the brain fog settled in quite quick. And it never left. And the weight of that, plus making a person and feeding him made everything buckle. That’s it. No more just maybe figuring it out when it comes to living with myself. I can’t. And it’s ok BECAUSE I know I’m neurodivergent. I have ADHD. I honestly, truly, pretended so good that I don’t in front of others that I forgot for a moment. Or 2 Years.
Or I just wanted to forget so that it would be easier. But it made is so, so, so much harder.
My ability to do anything. To accomplish anything right out the gate is just awful. Which means I have to work harder than most people I grew up around to do things that seemed seamless for them to do. And if I was ever tired of working on bettering myself to get to the level everyone else was at? Well, I just needed a reminder of how lazy I was for feeling that way and eventually I’d get back to kicking it up a notch again.
Trying to Push Through, With Lots of I SHOULD be able to do this
But I was fine, right? In college, I was assigned note taker for someone in class with a learning disability. I got everything in on time. In high school, I did a bunch of after and before school extra work in math to try to keep up. But that’s normal, right? Everyone’s bad at math!
The Self-Loathing, Wanting to be Normal
All while hating myself. All while hating that I couldn’t “just do it.” IT in this case including: slow down, go faster with less mistakes, slowly re-read while still making mistakes, sit down and accomplish the thing I wanted to do first even second try, be able to read at times when I wasn’t physically exhausted so I could slow down enough to pay attention to a book, work without headphones playing--the list goes on.
Next time you assume everyone just wants a diagnosis for an Easy way out…
I’ve heard every metaphor about being neurodivergent, but the one that really gets me is that having ADHD is like having a quadcore computer processor that WON’T run unless all sections are running a task. A computer functions better if in a quad processor has 2-3 quads full of tasks. 4 out 4 will still run, but it will definitely slow it down.
My processing system needs all 4 to be full up (with at 2 at LEAST having a faint humming noise) to accomplish the basic things I need to do.
And when I tell you I HATE that about myself, I mean it. But I also feel sad. Girly, I think, no one should hate any part of themselves. I say that to others all the time. And, I add, if you notice self-loathing, that’s information telling you it’s time for a change.
So here we go. It’s a change.
Self Compassion, We’re Back!
No more, on again, off again taking things. The same way my suicidality in 2017 made me get on and commit to anti-depressants. The same way it’s time to confront my need for medication in 2024 to manage my ADHD.
Being late diagnosed (28) means a lot of things. But more than anything, it’s being later at catching up with why I should have been kinder about my inabilities to do the things listed above and more.
I started the journey of accepting how I feel about needing medication late.
I started working with myself late.
Since learning I was diagnosed I’ve learned to work with myself in so many ways:
I don’t expect my writing to be linear. I follow my instinct and then proofread and reorganize to ensure things are legible.
I don’t expect to remember things and don’t get mad at myself for it. I do my best to write things down and then let go of things I forget if I don’t.
I let myself follow the distraction instead of force myself into a task that doesn’t feel right in the moment. Yes, sometimes this ends up sucky. But I’ll take the sucky over self-loathing any day.
When I sit down to do things with my kid, I take out a few activities I can do next to him/with him when he wants to play. This way I don’t scroll my phone when I get bored and can stay engaged and excited as he discovers and plays within his ability.
I remind my husband that I don’t mean it if I zone out when he’s talking. While he makes sure that I confirm he has my attention before he starts sharing something important.
The list goes on and on. And writing it out… damn that’s a lot of amazing growth. High Five me!
To The Future Full of Grace and More Self Kindness
In the same way, taking medication doesn’t mean that I’m weak or not smart enough to figure out how to focus and slow down on my own.
It means that I will be trying to see if medication can help me not feel like writing an email is an Olympic- level competition with myself. It means I’m smart enough to want to work efficiently instead of in constant self-hatred and overdrive.
It means I can give my kid the attention he deserves as he discovers his own mind and the world around him.
I want ALL of me to be around for ALL of him.
And I want you to know, someone else is having a tough go with it too. I’m an advocate and I should have known better. I could have gotten here sooner. But this is how long it took, and if I’m challenging myself to meet myself where I am, and not where I hope to be… I’ll have to learn that’s ok.
