*Ko-Fi Subscribers and Medium saw this post first here: https://medium.com/irrelevant-matters/social-media-is-a-highlight-reel-but-not-like-that-92c08a4f1c08

Blog post title image that reads: “My highlight reel is unintentional” and in another font in pink “If I ever gave you the impression that I had my ish together, I’m sorry”

You post about the vacation you took but will probably skip posting the failed meal (unless it’s to roast the dinner prep box company that sold you on the idea that you could cook, as long as all your ingredients were pre-portioned). You post after getting a fresh dye and cut but will probably skip your morning #wokeuplikethis look.

You may have seen headlines or even dug into some research around how social media is just “a highlight reel.” And truly, there are a lot of serious reasons that someone should be skeptical of what they see: deepfakes, visual filters, some influencers aren’t the best at disclosing when they’re paid to endorse something.

But sometimes the reason I only share the good stuff is a lot more benign. And some of it is middle-of-the-range-benign with little ways to control it.

A Few Reasons Why I’ve Felt I Had to Stick to Positive Posts:

I feel like too many people I know are having a hard time
I feel like I’ve overshared my bad times “too many times”
I might just be tired, man. Be overworked, have other stuff going on.
I see something else unfold and don’t feel like it’s my time to speak. Period.
Look, not all of me is everyone’s business
I feel like it’s not something people expect to hear from me about
I forgot and just lived my life instead
I’m tired and when I post something I know it opens me up to people’s opinions (which of course they’re entitled to) on things going on with me. If I don’t want to hear opinions, I just don’t share.
I actually posted but it wasn’t picked up by the algo
Did I mention I’m tired?

And while it may sound like I’m explaining my reasons to complain, after all, who cares about some micro-mental-health-advocate? It’s really more just me here saying, Unless you LIVE online, as a poster or a viewer, you’re never going to get the full picture.

That doesn’t mean I don’t post real stuff. But if you’re looking for second to second now you’re ok, now you’re not, I’m not sure who you expect to find. Even the most dedicated influencer can’t do that for long. Right?

The Comparison Game

It’s normal, even necessary for us to compare ourselves to our peers so that we continuously push ourselves to do better as a society. And while you’re probably not posting specifically to encourage envy and competition, that’s what socials end up doing in a micro-chasm. And the hours we end up spending on platforms to fill time gaps between activities (or to distract from less engaging ones), certainly don’t help.

All of me doesn’t want all of you

As someone whose entire online presence is based around talking about what mentally hard days look like and how it’s ok to be kinder to yourself, I’ve put myself on display quite a few times during my bad days.

So, weirdly, I’ve also gotten nervous about sharing my good times.

There’s some guilt peppered in there. There’s definitely a response to the odd comment I may have gotten while finally celebrating my one good day to the effect of “Good for you, but I’m still struggling!”

Some folks will definitely reply with encouragement and celebration, seeing a post about a good day from a mental health advocate as maybe even aspirational (it is possible to feel better!). To others, it can feel like I’m rubbing in your face that I’m having an ok time while you’re not.

Since my posts normally are meant to encourage folks during difficult days, the algorithm probably has gotten used to reaching folks it thinks are struggling. Now, when I celebrate, depending on what mindset you’re in, it can feel like a weird “punching down.”

So what I did for a while was mold into that need. Which, unsurprisingly, made me feel not great. It made posting harder and harder whether I was sharing researched facts or something about myself. The algo didn’t know what to do with my multiple human dimensions, so I felt like I had to hide, or avoid parts of me, certain moods, certain feelings to stay consistent. So, instead I just shut down and stopped posting which felt awful too.

I don’t think social media is an intentional highlight reel. At least not by everyone who posts.

Those reasons above are just from one person. Imagine all of the reasons every person who’s ever written on social media has. Doesn’t matter if they’re an influencer or just a family member on Facebook.

Now, also imagine all of these reasons, but someone is committed to their community, brand, and fans enough to keep regularly posting. That’s all the more impressive! Please be sure to cheer them on.

But for everyone else, for everything they post, there are 15 things they omitted.

Every area someone excels in is equal to 3 areas they’re not amazing in. That’s science (I don’t actually think it is, but it is in my head).

For every post I make about how proud I am that I have a wishlist for every one of my friends so that I can give them what I hope is the perfect gift during the holidays/birthdays, there’s me being late to important meetings with clients because I was making a list instead of watching my notifications.

For every instagram-perfect pantry, there’s a shoe closet that’s a mess. Or a pile of clean clothes that have been waiting a week to be put away.

Unless you’re posting every single thought, every single moment, you will never get all of it.

And who even would want that? I feel overloaded reading everything I do already.

You know how when someone is afraid to speak publicly we tell them to imagine the audience is naked? When someone posts something perfect, before you feel bad, imagine all the things that aren’t perfect in their life.

Imagine their messy drawers. Imagine they left their flat iron plugged in and singed their countertop. Imagine their mornings as they try to get themselves out the door but then spill coffee on their pants.

They just changed their pants before their mirror selfie. Or they took the pic with the stain for relatability. Either way…

People are people. Keep online life expectations in line with your reality. Or, look up.

Blog

Blog Home | About Me | Contact Me | Buy The Book