No, You Can’t Solve Depression if you JUST Blog by Marie Shanley. With the word JUST surrounded by Flowers

Once again, a well-meaning member of my family sent me a link with something to check out. “Have you seen this? It seems right up your alley?” And while I always reply respectfully with a “Thank you, I’ll take a look,” if it’s about some easy solution to mental health issues, internally I’m usually getting pretty heated.

It’s often a video where someone explains how being more positive can “cure” (yes cure is a keyword in this case) depression and anxiety, or one proclaiming that really Soy, Dairy, over-the-counter Tylenol, Gluten is the main problem. The solution is always so simple. Don’t you want to “live without Depression”?

And if you ever imply that this might not be possible for you, that maintaining my life with Depression is key, I always get some kind of answer implying that the Helper understands I actually just don’t want to help myself. I must just like the attention and the self-pity the condition comes with.

Considering a lot of the “attention” I receive, is encounters like the above, I would like to officially clarify: No, I do not.

Having Depression Doesn’t Mean I Like More Attention

No, I don’t like it that friends imply that my life goal should be to remove all unhappy, uncomfortable to them feelings. And for so long, I internalized that myself. I really did think I was just broken for not being able to do so. But if you really want to know what my ‘cure’ has been, lean in close, I’ll tell you right now.

It’s accepting that some days, I’ll get up and be unable to accomplish the smallest tasks. I will have to talk myself through every single thing that just the day before came easily: brushing my hair, going outside to walk my dog, feeding myself intentionally. Every one of those tasks might feel like carrying a lead ball and take a lot of internal battling to do. Battles no one will ever see.

Scientists agree that Depression in many folks can’t be cured. It’s not the same as having a bad day, or month, or dealing with grief or other temporary conditions.

I tried cutting out foods. I tried so hard to get good at exercising that I went and got my yoga teacher certification in 2019. But does every person who sends me an article know that? Absolutely not.

Do they mean well? Likely! Sometimes, I can see through their implication when what they actually mean to say is “Hey, when you canceled plans on me last week that really hurt. Maybe if you cut soy, you’ll be less likely to do that?”

Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe I will cut all cheese (and remaining joy) in my life and never cancel a plan again. But more than likely, all the soy, dairy, gluten, medication, therapy, exercise in the world won’t permanently solve that issue for me.

Because Depression is not caused by any one single thing. And Can’t Leave After Doing One Single Thing

And I will need to own my mistakes, my cancellations, my anhedonia-induced shortness of temper, apologize for all of them and do my best to not have you be the crosshairs of them again. It sucks. I’m sorry I’ve had to do that. Sometimes I avoid making plans altogether, knowing I might hurt someone by having to take care of myself, because they won’t know what’s going on with me. But will feel hurt I left them, changing plans last minute. It’s not fair to them.

Funny thing about Depression is that it will also use these exact mess ups and mistakes to keep me depressed, hating myself, watching Disney movies on repeat instead of enjoying my life. So, the link just ends up adding to the cycle of “why can’t I just—“thoughts. And you sink deeper and deeper. Until both myself and the Helper are frustrated enough to give up.

It’s Not Wrong to Wish Someone Be More Positive, but…

One of my favorite things to watch unfold is when someone on socials declares that everyone who’s depressed needs to just get up and exercise, leave the house, touch grass. As though Agoraphobia (fear of leaving your home) doesn’t exist, or that Depression does not literally try to preserve its state by messing with your mind to ensure you don’t ever want to get up or leave the house. Or that people with physically inhibitive disabilities might be Depressed only due to their lack of movement.

Being Positive Vs Being Depressed: It’s Not That Simple

On their own, all of these can be amazing individual solutions. One of which might hit the spot and be the thing that finally gets you up and away from Depression. But the accounts I’ve seen are not dedicated to encouraging people to meet themselves where they are, try something new everyday to see what tool they can add to their ‘Living with Mental Illness’ toolbox. They always peddle their ONE truth. The one solution of try harder-ness. And it’s not working yet, it’s definitely the trying that’s the issue. Not that one solution to mental ails cannot possibly fit all.

What if we did this for other things?

Knees hurt? Well, you must need knee replacement surgery. NO OTHER OPTION!

Diabetes? Let’s put you on high amounts of insulin and not adjust them at all for your liver and pancreas.

Need glasses? Only the strongest script will do! If that gives you a headache, teach your eyes to see harder.

I write this and laugh, because, actually I’ve heard from folks with all the above issues that they often encounter the “one truth peddlers” both in their day-to-day life and online.

Point is.

There is no simple solution to life’s (and our body’s and mind’s) woes.

There is no one truth. There is only learning about yourself and seeing what will help you.

Of course, being sedentary, eating “sometimes foods” all the time or not keeping your space tidy and organized can hurt your chances of feeling better. But on the other side, could someone who does all those things correctly still have health issues? ALSO, YES.

It’s the message that’s the issue. That you are just not trying hard enough. That you must not want to feel better if you haven’t tried these simple lifestyle changes. That your laziness is directly responsible for your continuing to feel bad. And, that frankly, you should be able to not feel bad in the first place.

Sometimes, people do need a bit of a push in the right for them direction.

But to argue that if your solution does not work for the person you’re trying to help, means they’re the problem… I mean that’s the problem.

It's not always about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.

Often, it comes from people whose empathizing with your experience ends at how they once felt terribly, they grieved or they were in a rut because they were out of a job and then they just did [insert simple method] and were able to move on with their lives.

Or maybe they did go through the worst imaginable aspects of humanity because they were able to believe, not think about it and pull through.

Presuming that others are simply clones of you: “If I did it, so can you.” And when it comes to both doctors and pseudo-psychologists, the thesis is usually “if you follow my method, you’re guaranteed to feel better (while hopefully making me specifically tons of money).”

Truly, if something works For You That’s Awesome for you! I’m rooting for you!

But your being upset that someone else doesn’t want to apply your method to just “be better” doesn’t imply laziness from them. It implies a push for control and power from you.

There are still a large number of people who have chemical imbalances, have lived through repeated trauma, who have genetic issues, or severe brain trauma that can’t just do whatever it was that helped you.

It seems everyone in this world is bent on curing me of my Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, you name it. And while I’m hoping it’s not because they feel it’s a nuisance to them, I am absolutely positive that they assume I’ve never thought about the things these videos suggest. Which triggers all kinds of past hurt of feeling not as smart as my peers, etc.

Perhaps it’s no big shock that I have a chip on my shoulder about folks who focus on alternative only methods for treatment of medical conditions. Considering when I recount my experience with alternative solutions, and frankly a lot of traditional medical solutions, the Helper always boils it down to “Well, you’re just not trying hard enough at the solution I offered you.”

Whether that was cutting out sugars, soy, salts, lactose, gluten, whatever it was in a world where 90% of commercial good products included all of those, or being told that I just wasn’t doing enough to motivate myself. After 5 or so years of hating myself because I couldn’t do enough or wasn’t good enough at following instructions, I finally got fed up. Maybe the solutions weren’t right for me. And pressing myself to keep trying them only made me feel shittier overall.

While, sure, a bigger effort can always be made on the end of the person who is seeking help, some things a Helper can do instead are:

Listen with intent to listen more
Assume positive intent and maximum effort. Let someone disprove this to you. Don’t assume the worst. Assume the best and then go from there
When offering solutions, give context: “It was a bummer I didn’t get to see you last week. I know nothing is simple, but I tried this when I was low and it helped (with link).
This starts with validation and also explains your reason. It still might not be welcome, but it no longer implies the other person just isn’t trying hard enough. It does require us to be vulnerable in our feelings and reasons. Which is mega hard.

We need hope. We need to know we might feel better. But we also need to be invested in a narrative closer to ‘remember, socially perceived failure is not failure.’ As a society, we need to learn to both embrace multifaceted solutions as well as multifaceted people. It’s ok to mess up in the eyes of what others think was your best solution. When you send me that link, let me know it may not be the best for me. That you know, I’m trying my best, and this might be something in line with things I’ve already tried.

Let me know that how I feel is not an inconvenience to you.

That you’re trying to compliment all that I already do and all the other things I am.

Not change me.

How do you respectfully let folks know to stop assuming you need to be saved? Let me know in the comments!