A tea kettle that is boiling and letting out steam on a teal green background with the words “Asking permission to put less pressure on yourself” by Marie Shanley /Mxiety

I heard my friend note on the call: “That really seems like a rough week, huh?” But I wouldn’t let her finish. “But wait, there’s more,” I quipped as I inhaled.

I went into the next thing. About how, sure, things were stressful in general, but then my body was also failing me, and dealing with figuring out why my liver wasn’t doing so great while I was already overbooked and stressed was just too much.

Finally, I exhaled.

“Wow, that’s a lot.” She didn’t give me advice about what to do to relax. She didn’t tell me how I should have handled it all. She didn’t talk about how she’d been doing the same. She just agreed that I had a tough week, with way too much for one person to handle, and that felt like it gave me permission to finally breathe. It felt like eating chocolate after a rough day. She fixed my craving. I was validated.

I did it. I did everything I had to do, and someone acknowledged that I could have feelings about it. There was relief, but most sweet was the ping of validation that washed over my brain.

I was finally allowed to feel…everything.

That flood of emotion was a lot. Exhaustion from holding it in for so long. Pain from berating myself as I pushed and pushed, telling myself that I should be able to take more. That there was no room or time to admit I was tired and rest. So, I just denied that I needed it.

And for a while, that strategy holds up. You plug up the emotional hole with denial. The problem is when the feelings come bursting out later somehow else. Once the seal is broken, I’m just repeatedly crying. But because I’m so deep in assuming the original stress causing that isn’t real, I have no idea why. The tears feel like they must be for something else, something that otherwise feels completely innocuous. But, it’s all the same emotion, just coming out where I’m allowing it to—where it has permission to do so.

While I went through the hell week, as everything happened and emotions would come for me, I was doing extremely well pushing them away. I messed up at work, and I just sat and cried for hours without feeling anything.

My boss called to ask me if I was ok, sensing some tension. Before I knew it, I burst out crying again. Before I could register that this emotion was not the one I wanted, before I could stifle it to avoid looking bad or weak in front of her.

Her validation that I did well and didn’t underperform (see: my assumption that I should always be tougher) as bad as I thought I did, freed me. Of guilt, of berating myself as I was completely incapable of regulating my emotions if I perceived someone to be disappointed in me.

With that, I finally had permission to turn the logical side of my brain on. Only then did I admit I took on too much.

Even if I previously knew I was being too hard on myself, I couldn’t admit to it until someone else confirmed I was, that I was actually right to feel overwhelmed. Only then was there relief. And how unfair is that to all my hard work?

In the same way I’d refuse to give myself credit until someone praised my accomplishment, I had denied myself a moment of respite until someone had pointed to my right to be tired.

While growing up, the message I received was that most of my feelings were wrong.

“Why are you crying over a stupid boy, stop crying.”

“Why are you mad at your father, he’s your father, he doesn’t deserve that.”

“People die all the time, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Don’t be angry at your sister for using your toothbrush, we’re family.”

“You’re doing it wrong. Don’t give me that attitude, you should’ve known better.”

This caused my personal compass for my feelings to be perpetually off. If it’s supposed to point north, but is consistently redirected to where someone else says your north should be, it stops pointing all together for fear of being wrong.

And with the speed our world moves, when are our emotions convenient for anyone else at all, including ourselves?

There are errands, other people’s problems, your pet’s needs, your kid’s, and/or partner. Expectations from other people you can’t let down. Even knowing my health issues, emotional and physical doesn’t give me permission to chill out a bit.

If you just shut off your access to accepting your needs, it seems so much easier to hear and give to others, especially in trying times. And who are you, if not someone to give to others what they need first?

There are always things to do, news to read, and emotions from others to internalize.

How can there be room for your own actions, when you need to be reactive? And just when you think you’ve figured out the reaction someone wants from you, you meet new people, new scenarios and you have to restart and re-learn to be reacting in a way that makes sense and is correct for that new group.

But You need you too.

You don’t have to wait for validation for your turn to feel. You can control how long you wait and how much you put up with while you do. Even if others need you. If you have not given to yourself, what you’re offering them is a husk of a person left after everyone else has already had their turn to pick your emotions dry.

You can learn to control them. But you don’t have to wait to release them in a way that’s acceptable to others, just in a way that feels safe to you.

I cried in front of my boss because, incredibly, I knew she wouldn’t judge me for it. I laughed a bit while I told my friend about my week because I wanted her to be entertained as she had to endure my ranting (and not just because I was afraid she would be nervous to listen to me). But I still put on a stone face as I catch up with my dad to protect myself from hearing “so what.”

Next Steps.

I get off the phone and felt a thousand pounds lighter. The week was behind me. Next week will bring its own challenges, but this week’s issues are over. The pressure is off of me to perform for myself, to prove myself that I am not any of the things I call myself.

I remind myself that it’s ok to seek validation when we’re hurting, but it shouldn’t be the only reason I know it’s ok to feel what I feel.

Next week I can try to, once again, stay away from telling myself that I don’t do enough. Even if the push to overschedule myself is strong, to continue to barely keep afloat with everything I expect myself to accomplish and complete.

Already I can hear the voice in the back of my head saying I didn’t even do the whole list this week. I know it’s trying to invalidate me, so I keep pushing, keep moving the goalpost as that’s the only way I set goals for myself.

I take in a breath. I remind myself that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing with my to-do list.

I promise myself that this week, since there are naturally a few less things on my agenda, I’ll finally catch up with my needs. My plate won’t be overflowing with extra things I put on there, but just the series of things I need to regularly accomplish in order to live as a functioning adult in society.

I still have laundry and groceries and online shopping and work tasks. But those don’t count, right? Everyone should be able to do those, so I cannot feel pressure over those (oop it’s a trap!). I will not only give myself permission to feel pressure when there’s too much of it, but rather as soon as it starts to be less manageable. And oh boy, that’s the most impossible ask I have for myself.

Do you think that’s too much to ask?