You're Not Just Tired, You've Just Run Out of Emotional Bandwidth

No doubt you’ve seen your fair share of inspirational posts, advising you that right now, you do what you can to survive. And while that’s true, it shouldn’t take a pandemic for us to recognize that we need emotional care as much as we need physical care. But here we are.

On Mondays, I might be refreshed and ready to go, but by the time Friday rolls around, I am usually completely wrung out. At first, I gave myself a hard time over this. Come on, I think, surely you want to see your friends. Do a ZOOM call, play some games together. And I do, but…

I am extraverted and happiest when around a lot of people. Whether I am entertaining them in my own home or talking to them while at the dog park. But neither of those two options are available to me right now, and so, a lot of my control over how I spend my time feels lost. Now I have nothing left to give on Friday and Saturday nights. I stay in and browse Netflix without actually watching anything. I make popcorn, get into my PJs, and (try to) close Twitter.

And when I talk to people in my age group, I am not alone. Emotional fatigue is a syndrome that comes from having too many things that require an emotional response from you happening in a short period of time. It’s also been called “compassion fatigue” and the symptoms very much intersect with those of depression.

Including, but not limited to: smiling less, dulling of senses, crying more than usual, sleeplessness, choosing to forgo socialization, being easily distracted and startled, irritable and anxious.

Clinical Psychologist Dr. Kelli Dunlap explains further:
“It might sound obvious, but feeling tired is a definite warning sign. But it’s more than feeling like you’ve had a bad night’s sleep, it’s like running on empty frequently and for extended periods of time. Emotional exhaustion impacts us physically and mentally. People who are emotionally burning out find it hard to concentrate, feel like they can’t get enough sleep, and generally have a hard time caring about anything, even about things they’re passionate about.”

Today’s social ecosphere includes instant access to the news, instant access to just the highlights of other people’s lives, and an acute awareness of when someone has done something wrong because of the mass outrage it may cause.

As of a 2018, 1,200 people survey, 23% of Americans check our phones first thing in the morning. 34% wait 5 to 10 minutes before doing so. This means that we instantly download information that requires emotional responses from us even before our brain has even fully woken up.

Sometimes, that means it is already churning out comparisons, and not all of them are in our favor. There has been research confirming that social media does not cause us to be depressed, but there is certainly a link between depression and envy. Envy, which is caused by the fact that we mostly see gorgeous white and rose gold accented pictures every time we open instagram.

I have even tried to use work as an escape from the constant bombardment with information, however, all it takes is a casual check during a break or opening your browser, and you will see MSN offer up all of the headlines, putting you in the know whether you like it or not.

Another reason you might not put your phone down is that the connections you’ve established might not always exist in-person, especially during the epidemic’s physical distancing. I belong to some large forums about mental health, live streaming, and even one dedicated to loving corgis. I have connected with these people and have no other way to keep in touch with them other than social media. As a result, I hear about many happy occasions as much as I hear about breakups, deaths, and things that generally are not exactly high mood-inducing. I consider the people I have connected with my friends, so disconnecting from them feels impossible, and actually, kind of rude.

Whether online or in-person, I am also likely to encounter people who I am morally obliged to consider abhorrent. We live in a decade where moral outrage is a connecting point for people.

According to research, we are not that great at educating each other over our mistakes and instead go for the instant satisfaction of signaling our virtue. Letting others know that we too, consider a behavior unacceptable, and want to distance ourselves from it as far as possible. But not without making a public statement about it first. And that, as useful as it is when the action is truly abhorrent, is exhausting. Even just being reminded that people are capable of awful acts towards each other is exhausting.

So yes, the news, social media, and talking to people face to face can become extremely taxing as they all require emotional responses from you. The friend who’s relative died. The Jones’ who are keeping better than you, and then, of course, the world usually on the brink of collapse if you listen to any cable news station or read a headline from any “top 5 reasons you should be scared right now” article.

But what can we do? There is not exactly an escape. And if there is, there are people there to judge you too, as attempting to run away from the 24-hour news cycle is a privilege not many can afford.

At the moment, turning away from seeing one source of news is the equivalent of turning your head while visiting Times Square. Information is still all around you. You can walk by without paying attention or you stand there and let it seep in. Either way, it is surrounding you.

Dr. Kelli Dunlap, notes that the best thing you can do when you start feeling this kind of drain is to reach out for professional help if you can.

“Exhaustion and burnout is a result of being stretched too thin for too long, so implementing boundaries on you and your time can be an important step. Learning to say “no” to things, delegating non-you-essential tasks or responsibilities to others, and taking breaks as you need them without the guilt trip associated with taking that time are some examples of setting up protective and self-preservative practices.”

She adds, “We all need time to rest and recharge and there’s nothing selfish about tending to your own well-being. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so if you want to help others, you need to put the kettle on for yourself.”

The solution I propose is to refocus your attention over to positive media to stay informed and reduce screen time. While avoiding social media is not really an option in this day and age, talking about how it makes you feel always is. And if you feel like you’ve fallen into the comparison trap, reconsider who you are following and why. If it’s more hurtful than helpful to be connected to Zoey and Brad, maybe it’s time to hit “mute.”