How do we keep people accountable on social media without ruining their mental health?

When you mess up in the public eye, the public now has the tools to correct you.

This is where canceling or the act of calling someone out to their fanbase, with the intent to remove their platform, comes in. The idea is that this forces the perpetrator to apologize at the very least, and hopefully answer for abhorrent actions. It started as a way to hold people accountable that had never before seen accountability in their lives during the Me Too movement.

But canceling Harvey Weinstein meant removing his ability to control other people’s livelihoods after being left unchecked for decades.

That being said, being canceled, and having a large group negatively and publicly respond to a hurtful comment you made publically, are not one and the same.

There are cases when people with a smaller platform, after having misspoken, given a bad take on a current issue or made a distasteful joke, are met with widely negative regard. Although not always done kindly, the latter is simply a call from the public to change. It is not the same as being canceled. Rather, it’s an integral part of learning and holding yourself accountable to become a better person.

Canceling is asking for a permanent fundamental reversal of oppressive systems.

Accountability is asking for a change of behavior and liability for negative actions.

All canceling includes a request for accountability. Not all requests for accountability amount to cancellation.

So, when dealing with a smaller scale, how do we get people to change their undesired behavior without making them feel like the victim?

Some argue that the solution is to correct the offending party privately. However, sometimes we make mistakes publicly, in which case, why would they not get called out publicly? Additionally, the nature of most relationships on social media is parasocial, which means we won’t have that kind of access to the offender. And worse, they may be volatile.

So how do we change people’s behaviors to do better without looking like a mob?

On the surface, the ways strangers correct you online are certainly in line with behaviors we have learned through centuries of time. Someone isn’t acting in a socially acceptable way? Set them straight by shunning them until they fall into line with everyone else. While this emotional reaction from the public does a rather good job getting people to stop a behavior, it is born from and feeds on fear, which means it won’t change things in the long run.

Does this mean that we can never call out people who are doing hurtful things to others? No, absolutely not. But it does mean that we have to wield our ability to do so with care and responsibility.

And how does one respond when they are being bombarded with negative comments (both hurtful and constructive) in a way that is productive?

At this point, often people double down advising that they were not wrong, saying everyone is against them because no one “gets them.” This protects our ego ensuring we’re safe from the scariest thing, having to change. Especially in a culture that preaches to ignore the trolls, it’s certainly difficult to suddenly feel like those same people we see as trolls (someone coming at us strongly) deserve to be validated even in the smallest way.

You can be correct, saying that people didn’t “get you”, while they are also correct that your actions were harmful. Both can be true at the same time. This means regardless of whether people “get you”, understanding your error and apologizing for it is still something you can do.

The other side is not responsible for calling you out with tact and kindness. Your side is responsible for accepting accountability and explaining yourself. Also bearing in mind that your intentions might not have lined up with the reality of the impact of your words.

The better move is to take the time to reflect, even as we feel pressed to act immediately to “fix” the problem.

In order to reflect, it helps to establish that the world is not against you, they are against the actions you have taken or the ideals you hold.

Both of which can be adjusted or changed. Perhaps a good start is removing the offensive action. Then, nurturing the ego and licking your wounds until you come to a place where you can recognize which steps should be taken next.

As with any self-reflective time, depending on the scale of what happened to you, it might be a great time to consider seeing a therapist. This isn’t to say, “you messed up and you need someone to fix you”. That’s just social hang up around therapy. It’s more to say, “you need an outside perspective that isn’t tied to any social structure or social media points (clout) that you are currently focused on”.

It’s extremely useful to have someone with an outside opinion and a professional ability to understand human behavior to help unravel the tangled mess of being publicly held accountable.

How could we all do better?

Sometimes when people feel vulnerable, they get defensive.

Both backing down easily or being defensive stem from a strong desire to be liked. Both need equal patience from the public (which many, rightfully, will no longer have). However, when someone does something truly terrible, the people they hurt are not required to root for them or even generally hope for their change.

But if we want to achieve a change, gentle correction usually sticks better.

If you’re someone who might want to focus on correction over simply calling someone out over an undesired behavior, something to keep in mind is that both negative and positive reactions to problematic behavior are needed for the best outcome of compliance.

Psychology says positive reinforcement (kindly reinforcing when someone is acting appropriately), along with positive punishment (explanation of things someone has done wrong) tend to better modify behavior in the long run. With a clear explanation of what can be done to better the behavior in the future (positive punishment).

Unfortunately, they also require more energy and effort no one usually has at the moment. Being mad is an instant reaction that fires off quickly. Being mad while being kind, requires a conscious effort. As well as emotional labor, often from marginalized groups who are already dealing with too much.

It is important to remember that while apologies are great, accepting them is up to the hurt party. Period.

Personal Experience

I am obsessed with being liked and that manifests itself when I know I’m wrong. When I mess up, it’s almost impossible for me to focus on redeeming the hurt I’ve caused because I’m so set on emotionally berating myself as I used to be berated for mistakes I made growing up.

However, having been called out a few times for saying the wrong thing, or supporting a cause that hurt others (no matter how unknowingly), I can say that ultimately, my ego ended up being just fine.

While my initial reaction is fed from my depression, understanding mine is a behavior resulting from trauma, helped me move into the process of learning. Therapy helped me understand and get to this point, but it is by far NOT the only way to get there. Most people can learn to self-reflect with empathy on their own just the same.

Finally

No one I know wants the people who’ve hurt them to beat themselves up until the end of time for what they’ve done. They usually want actionable change. When I came to my parents and explained to them the hurt they caused over the years, it was their choice to double down to say I was the only one at fault. When I hurt someone and asked them for forgiveness, it was their choice to see my potential for change as enough to say they had forgiven me.

And by the way, I believe the same applied for neurodivergent folks with different social cue comprehension. I’ve said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person in the wrong way and didn’t know how terrible the thing I’d said was until someone later took the time to explain it to me. My inability to control my impulses ( a large reason for my issues) might be an explanation for my behavior. But it’s not an excuse from consequences.

I may not know the right way to hold someone accountable. But I do know that not much is accomplished by doubling down when you are at fault. Grace, humility, and empathy are way more effective learning tools.