When I was in high school, I was one of the bullied kids. I got eye rolls when I opened my mouth in class, and I got beat up for laughing too loudly on a bus. It was not a good time. The message that this sent me was that I was not good enough and things I was naturally inclined to do, annoyed the general population so much that they earned a beating. I was not acceptable the way I was, and I had to change.

This, in many ways, contributed to my depression, as the sentiment at home was similar. I spiraled as I tried to be someone else desperate to blend in at all costs, slowly losing myself along the way. It is not like I could switch off being loud, so I would keep to myself as much as I could until I could prove to a new group that I was cool. Then I would slowly let the real me out, only to be told I was weird. Which would make me retreat into myself away and push away from those friends. And around in a circle I went.

Now, I am a live streamer and Partner on Twitch, and after three years I have found that many of these qualities are the exact reason people watch me. They entertain others, make them smile, bring them joy, and thus make me a more fulfilled human.

Here’s a list of the ones I have identified to be most helpful to me:

Too loud

From randomly bursting into song in front of my mirror as a kid, to hosting talk shows for all of my dolls and stuffed animals to attend—I have been trying to get people to listen me while I blabber since as long as I can remember. As I got older, I was not one to have an easy time not stating my opinion, when discussing current issues and the world at large. And then otherwise, small talk, chitter-chatter and really being around others and talking to them has always been my favorite way to recharge. I am certainly an extravert, so when I am unable to do so, I quickly start to wither and go into negative thought spirals.

Having Twitch as an outlet helps with this need in many ways. For one, I keep people entertained with my observations and non-stop interest in the world. So much so, that some people have been stopping by for three years straight. When I am passionate about something, I am even more likely to look up things to be able to talk about them even more. Turns out that is what having a talk show is all about.

However, listening has never been my strength. That still needs a lot of work.

Too hyper

More than one person has actually looked me in the eye and said, “you’re exhausting.” And I cannot blame them. I have the kind of energy that on most days (when I am not plagued by depression), just needs a cup of black tea to get out of bed and get going. Once I am awake it is hard to fall back asleep, so I usually just start the day.

Twitch is the place where people come to be entertained and, for some people, part of entertainment is keeping excitement. So while my mother may have said that I “run on an endless motor” as she desperately tried to keep up with my antics, people watching the show see me excited about stuff and that gets them excited in turn. So again, a win!

Get bored easily

With over 5 million streamers to watch at any given time in a month, I find it is important to keep the show fresh and interesting. Certainly, viewers like a schedule and predictability, but if ultimately what they see is the same old thing every day, they are likely to get bored and not return.

Since I get easily bored, I always ensure that I have interesting guests on, a new way of explaining a new topic or again, constantly looking up new information to keep myself informed. This keeps my community informed and interested in what is going to happen next. I hope that means that they will stick around for many more years to come.

Stubbornness / Tenacity

I was turned down for Twitch Partnership at least 4 times. I was turned down for a grant I applied for at least 3 previous times. Countless publications and panels have turned my work down as well, but I kept at it. But when I determine that I can do something, I can get stuck on achieving that. While that might not be great as I go through so much rejection along the way, knowing that my stubbornness pays off in the end is a feeling like no other. I apply, get rejected, try to learn, and better my work and then apply again. It’s all I can do to keep going. Which brings me to my last point.

Unrelenting optimism

Tied closely to stubbornness, my optimism helps me bounce back when things are rough. After every rejection, it is the quality that helps me believe that I can get better, I am worthy and that I should try again. Heck it is the reason I continued with Mxiety through the days when no one was watching, reading or listening to a thing I did. I believed one day they might.

My positivity has been called “fake” by people who do not really know me. And I have learned that this is ok. I cannot control what people think and those who generally say things like this are usually unhappy with their own lack of energy. Meaning they have a world view (which may be because they have been beaten down so much) which tells them that the world is dark, and people who are bright on their own must be faking it. Well, I have decided to focus on those who are also seeking the light like me, and generally, that’s worked out well.

One might observe that some of these qualities are likely intertwined with the depression, anxiety, and ADHD I live with. I would like to make the argument that, while that is true, I have never considered these to be positive superpowers or anything. All of the above qualities have at one point or another also hurt my chances with something I really wanted as well.

And it’s not like there is one brand of streamer. In fact, that is my point. Were you made fun of for being too quiet as a kid? Maybe you would make a stellar ASMR streamer! Were you great at identifying birds? Well, you can be an amazing ornithologist now with other people like you watching live as you go find cool rare birds. As long as your behavior doesn’t hurt others, being yourself is freakin’ awesome. And I hope everyone has the opportunity to try it one day.