Life is full of expectations. And I think, for the longest time, I didn’t realize that many of them were not mine. As I am turning 30, I reflect on what I have accomplished so far, and naturally, beat myself up for what I haven’t. That is, until I realized that the expectations that were lacking were not things I ever wanted for myself to begin with.

Here’s that list:

Have a baby (better yet, babies)
Become a doctor
Become a “scientist”
Become a lawyer (maybe all three?)
Become a straight-A student
Not have depression anymore
Not have ADHD anymore
Not “be lazy”
Make friends with someone famous
Make a lot of money and take care of my parents
Learn how to cook full, robust meals for my husband after I get home from work
Be thinner
Make a 6-digit salary
Buy a luxury car ($50K or more)
Become a famous singer

And here’s a list of what I have done:

Wrote and published a book
Moved countries
Bought a home
Found and married the love of my life
Founded my dream of helping others feel less alone and more prepared for mental health-related issues
Traveled to some of the countries I wanted to see
Graduated highschool/college with honors/ certified yoga instructor
Made lasting friendships, while losing others
Seen some of my favorite bands in concert
Kissed someone at sunset and later, under the stars
Figured out and learned to accept my sexual identity
Rekindled a relationship with my sister (who raised me)
Taught English to underprivileged students entering college
Go through years of therapy to undo the damage of generational trauma and PTSD / accepted my need for medication / come to terms with the depression and anxiety I will likely experience throughout my life
Left a toxic relationship and set healthy boundaries with my family
Fallen asleep because I felt safe and cozy under a blankie on my couch…. wait, maybe that doesn’t count.

…and lots more

While writing that, I thought several times about how lucky I am to have gotten it all done. Pretty, freaking, cool.

It’s not that I couldn’t accomplish the top 15 things, or there is anything wrong with wanting those things. Those are people’s dreams too! Just not mine. I focused on making the latter 15 happen, which got me closer to feeling happy despite the drag of depression.

There is no actual time limit to when you can and should do things. There is also no one set point at which you will become happy and then just be happy forever. Some people don’t buy homes until their 40’s. Others have kids when they are teens. It’s no one’s job to decide what happens in your life but you. Things are pretty unpredictable as it is. No reason to beat yourself up for how you’ve navigated it all.

You’re doing great!