I have started referring to what I have now as “The Queen’s Depression.” It’s when you’re a mental health advocate in the public eye, and people have started to judge you for your weaknesses as though being an advocate is the same as promising that you have the whole depression thing down pat. It’s when you metaphorically drive around social media doing the queen’s wave, adding in a terrible British accent “Pip, pip, seems to be absolutely dreadful today, carry on, nothing to see here, all is well, still leading the people.”

I am neither British, nor did I promise to be an example, or pretend to lead anyone when three years ago I had a mental breakdown and realized that none of the resources I found in front of me were helpful in the way I needed them to be. I set out to bridge the gap between those talking about their experiences and those professionally treating them. I have a modest following (about 5K on twitter as of this writing), and yet already feel like my feeling unwell disappoints people. That I need to ensure that I am always helping people and that means keeping my twitter engaged and watching my numbers, no matter how awful of a habit I know that to be.

No, nothing I say is deceitful, and I don’t give out advice as I do not have the qualifications. I talk about my experience living with mental illnesses during my live talk show and share silly memes once in a while. Now, I don’t know if it’s the algorithm, human nature or a mix of both, but if I ever express feeling unwell even two days in a row (two tweets a day usually), engagement noticeably drops.

One might say “Well, twitter is not your personal diary, people don’t want to be bummed out.” I would agree with you, except, as I mentioned, my twitter is specifically curated around sharing mental health information, stories and the like. Which means it belongs to a special, metaphorical sphere of twitter, colloquially referred to as Mental Health Twitter (other options are Streamer Twitter, Influencer Twitter, Blogger Twitter or Specific Celebrity Stan Twitter).

This goes nothing against the reader, there are enough upsetting things in the world without me and others “whining” about our days. And a public promising you happiness will do better than one who is “realistic” even if, when polled, people find realism more compelling.

This all leads to cognitive dissonance from the poster. According to executive performance and esports mental health coach, Dr. Julie Gurner:
“The mental health risks people take in being an online personality become more prominent as their popularity grows. There is a lot of pressure to be “on,” be “perfect,” and be everything your audience wants you to be. You feel pressure to give them what you know they want - more content - and the hunger for that content never ends.”

So, what is the better thing to do? Dr. Gurner recommends:

“You need to have a life outside of that persona—friends, interests, and social supports, so that when or if you lose what you’ve built, you have other things in your life.”

Social media is usually a side gig but it comes with lots of pressure within the sphere of your influence (live streaming, blogging, mental health advocacy, etc) to remain positive no matter the circumstances lest we lose the influence we took so long to earn. It doesn’t take long to see that remaining positive keeps content more appealing to people as it moves into the category of “inspirational” even if your original intent was education. For those in the mental health advocacy sphere, this is especially tough as if you stop being positive, you may even be labeled as "attention-seeking."

Dr. Gurner says:
“When people post frequently, they often begin to behave as if they are their image and can worry what not posting will mean for them personally or professionally. Deep down, most are very aware that […] everyone is replaceable. There are always funny, sexy, witty people out there that can capture attention.”

You end up running to keep up with trends in order to put out high-quality content, adding measurable pressure.

You would think that those who are just looking to post memes and jokes would not feel the strain. But to keep upbeat and keep with the pressure of demand, is still not easy. For people with a strong need to be liked, all of the above is especially tough. So, what is the solution?

Live streamer and twitter personality, Rora Pickles, describes her relationship with Twitter as stress-inducing and yet incredibly helpful:
“I feel too tied to it at times, worried if I'm not active enough I will lose engagement, or I'll find myself glued to a negative interaction if it's stressing me out. […] But I gain a huge satisfaction when people laugh at me or my content, it helps mental health in some ways too.”

In terms of finding a solution to the issue, Rora added: “I just try my best to keep emotionally detached and have a logic/emotion balance when using it, which tends to help me keep a healthier relationship with it.”

Then there are influencers like Sam Strake, a self-proclaimed “sh**-poster” (someone who posts irreverent images and captions on social media) who admit:
“It's scary. I feel an anxiety when I go too long without posting, like it's something I have to do. It comes with a fair bit of stress, but it also keeps me on my toes and innovating. I haven't figured out how to successfully combat it, and it's sometimes terrifying how difficult it is for me to ignore Twitter because I feel the need to constantly be aware of everything in this sphere.””

There are of course, also those who feel like they have struck a balance between their social media work and themselves. Green Dumpling, talk show host and twitter funnyman, had a very different take. When asked if he feels pressure to constantly be “on” he said:
“Initially yes but now I'm just kind of doing my thing. I know for a fact that I have solidified my brand and I can stay consistent. So people don’t seem to forget me.” Even for someone so confident, the question of being forgettable is still a point for discussion.

In order to feel true joy, we need to go through periods of lows as well as highs. For people living with depression, like me, those periods can last weeks. All while social media and those around us continue to move on with their lives. So, do we play catch up and enjoy public reverence, or stay true to our internal emotions and let others think what they wish? Caring less about the cold numbers and more about the real people who speak to us? I will think of a punchline. Just check my tweets later.