Having a Baby If You Have Depression and Anxiety: My Timeline
/Why I’ve Chosen to Share
To start, it might seem obvious, but this is MY journey.
YOU do not have to follow this as your timeline in any shape or form. I didn’t follow a timeline anyone else advised either. I just did what felt right when it felt right.
I’m sharing because I felt a bit lost to start, so if I can show anyone how to take this process one step at a time (at least for over-planny folks like myself), it’s worth it.
Content Warnings: Discussions of suicidal ideation, medical issues
Knowing My Risks
Having a child was not always in the books for me. I came from a broken home and while I don’t think anyone needs to be a perfect parent, I started out only with a “Don’t Do This!” book, instead of a “Maybe these are some good ideas…” one. That in addition to understanding that my kiddo would be starting out with DNA with potential for glitches and figuring out how to come to terms about how I felt about that (because WHOA so many feelings).
How Did You Know You Wanted Kids?
I didn’t, but something clicked one day. As a kid, I was certain it was “what girls do” and I grew up in a big Greek family with lots of babies. In my teens, I was certain that I was “too broken” to have any. By my early 20s, I’d met my now husband and we’d discussed what we both wanted. The agreement was we weren’t sure if we even wanted to have children, but having at least one was something we’d both be open to.
This discussion was spurred by the two surgeries that diagnosed me with endometriosis in 2009 and 2010.
Then in my late 20s, something clicked. I knew I wanted a kid, but with one HUGE caveat, I had to make sure I felt like I’d accomplished (reasonably) all I wanted to by whatever the time would be when I was really serious about it.
In 2016 I had my last scare with active suicidality. It was something I was hoping I could learn to handle before I put a child into the world.
In 2017 I was expecting to have to make a basically final decision on whether or not I want to have kids based on my ability to do so, due to the aforementioned endometriosis diagnosis. Instead, during my appointment, my doc told me I had more time because my symptoms were under control. I was relieved because I didn’t feel ready to be a mom nor did I know yet if I wanted a child at all. But I also knew based on my excitement that I absolutely wanted to have kids once ready.
2020 was a big year for Mxiety and as I turned 30, it felt pivotal. I asked myself over and over again if I was ready but sometimes always felt like it wasn’t the right time.
The litmus test I used for myself about once a month or whenever a nosy relative inquired was, “when I’d finally get on with kids” was the following:
- Do I want a baby for now or do I want a baby forever? Because it's definitely a forever commitment
- How would I feel if I didn't have a baby in the next x months?
- Was my partner ready to have a baby?
- Most important: What would I regret more. NOT having a baby or missing something I knew was coming up (career move, life change, personal goal)?
In May 2021, I had a good, long talk with my partner and we decided that we were ready to start exploring more about what it would mean to have a kid.
For both of us that meant expenses, career choices. For me that meant dealing with changing medications that had previously saved my life, particularly focusing on how I would handle my mental health without them (as I had been unsuccessful to come off them three times in the past). While I felt my Depression was largely under control, I knew pregnancy hormones could change that. I also knew that I was on medication at the time with a large “DO NOT TAKE IF PREGNANT” label on the bottle. So there was no way I could stay on that med if we were going to start trying.
I made appointments with my Therapist, Psychiatrist (to discuss medications), General Doctor, OBGYN, and Dentist and saw all of them by Aug 2021. I also bought some books which recommended that I start on a multi-vitamin, which felt like an easy enough first step.
With my therapist I specifically set up to work on 3 goals:
1) To acknowledge my fears and learn coping skills to address them
2) To assess how I felt about potentially being a parent
3) To help me assess what being off of certain medications would do for me. This one was most important as I wanted to come off medication before I was pregnant and had the hormone variable to consider.
With my psychiatrist I worked on getting off medications responsibly and which ones were safe to be on while pregnant.
By July 2021, I had come off of the medication that would be most harmful to a fetus and was assessing how I felt without it, including what additional coping skills I would need. I re-assessed whether I would be able to function without it. I am lucky to say that after taking it 3 years and tapering off slowly, I was ok.
By Aug 2021, because I was ok off the first medication, I chose to lower the dose of my anti-depressant as well, just to be extra safe. This was a lot harder than the previous med and I think I still don’t feel exactly like me. As of this writing, I plan on returning to my previous dose once it’s safe for me and the baby.
Sept 2021, my partner and I decided we’d come off birth control and see where things go.
As the months went on, my anxiety and depression, and tendency to self-loathe ate away at me. I heard myself say that I’d be a bad mother, I didn’t deserve a baby, so we’d never conceive. Every week I’d have notes I’d bring to my therapist to digest as I learned what each thought represented to me and how to combat them.
Oct 2021, because I was off birth control and my body had a chance to re-calibrate, I started to lose a lot of hair and my acne came back. I chose to get a haircut to style my hair differently and look for baby-safe acne options (which are extremely limited) but my self-confidence took a huge hit.
Dec 2021, my severe pelvic pain returned, and I was worried my endometriosis was back to seek vengeance. After some tests, it was determined that it was a cyst on my right ovary, but I was ok to keep trying. I was told that due to the pain I’d need to consider medical help conceiving. My OB and I agreed on a timeline for this that would be shorter than typical (usually 1+ year of trying if you were under the age of 35) due to my history.
Jan 2022, After noting how awful my anxiety was every month during ovulation I realized that this process might be harder on me than some. And if one more person told me to just “relax or it won’t happen,” I was going to scream. My partner and I decided I’d focus on learning to be kinder to myself in therapy, while diving deeper into the significance of these feelings for me.
I decided that would not take any additional medication to conceive if I could not within 7 months. The risks were too great for my mental health stability. I started looking into fostering and adoption options for us as well. [This will be particularly different for every person. Do not shame people for knowing and searching for what’s right for their bodies at a particular time in their life, their orientation, and their body’s needs]
Feb 2022, I learned we had been successful super early, just 3 weeks and 5 days after my last period. I had a super weird dream which I took as a “sign” that I should try a pregnancy test. When I saw the faintest positive, my anxiety went through the roof. It was 2 more weeks before I let myself feel happy because I was convinced my joy would be short lived.
I wanted to tell friends, my community, and family, but I knew statistics were not in my favor, and while I am a mental health advocate, I also wanted to make sure I had space to grieve if I needed to before I spoke on anything going on with me publicly.
I was frantic in searching for answers and reassurance the baby and I would be ok. I had full-blown panic attacks because I would get into my head that my pregnancy was ectopic or that I would lose the baby because I didn’t deserve to be a mom. The anxiety was awful and I was constantly googling random symptoms and calling my GYN office to ask them if the symptoms were normal. I was extremely nauseous and could not keep most food down.
I finally stopped googling after reading a few articles on how some of the expecting apps were actually perpetuating my anxiety because their goal is to keep you reading. They would send potentially nerve wracking questions through on-screen notifications, and then send you links with potential answers which would keep you on their page, engaged for longer.
I deleted the What to Expect App, bought some books and downloaded Ovia, which I found to be much more helpful about giving me answers without producing more anxiety.
Additional Thoughts:
But you know your child might have Depression/Anxiety/ADHD!
Yeah, they could also not have Depression but be a complete jerk. And as I fight for a world with better options for people living with mental illnesses, I feel comfortable knowing that this kiddo will grow up in a home that will know how to address additional needs they might have should there be early signs.
But the world is literally at war:
This, actually, I still have a hard time reconciling (exhales)
I think I’m Ready For My Next Adventure / Disclaimers
I know we’re very lucky. The anxiety I felt once I found out we’d been successful, knowing many friends who had lost their babies, ate away at most of the joy I felt. I am grateful every day that I know the baby is progressing in their little nest. I am grateful for my support network. I am grateful for the privilege and access to care I’ve had. I am grateful for all that is yet to come. And most importantly, I am grateful that I am well enough to feel that gratitude.
Also, I am VERY fortunate that I have access to healthcare in the U.S. I am also white, cisgender, and married to a man (although I am bisexual). I understand my experience includes a lot of privilege, even down to the amount of time and tries it took for me to conceive. Although I understand these privileges are not accessible to everyone in the US (and I’m actively fighting to change that), I hope it might be valuable to someone to read it.
And I hope to continue to slowly, share more of this journey with you.
