Already, in order to wake up and have a chance at a productive, I need to think of every inch of my body. If I don’t do this my brain will run haywire and might suddenly decide I don’t have enough air to breathe. But hey, I could just smile, right.

While I do not define myself by my diagnoses, I have found that I do better when the people surrounding me are understanding, forgiving and generally those who assume the best in others. I hope to reflect such kind traits in my own behavior too. It took a lot of thinking before I was able to identify what truly matters when it comes to building friendships.

I don’t know what I am afraid of more: darkness, loneliness, or the silence they both can bring with them. Once the lights go off, my brain churns in overtime. The shadows shift into something that isn’t there, and all my biggest fears seem to be real. For me, the dark is the time for each memory to play out anew.

We've reached the end of 2017 the Anxiety Relief series (for now). Anxiety sucks when I am trying to walk outside and enjoy a nice, summer day. Or when I am in the checkout lane trying to leave a store. But it’s more frustrating when I’m in a crowded subway or about to enter a job interview. On days when my brain chemistry is all out of whack, anxiety doesn’t care what I’m doing. It just sucks.

Image by: VIKTOR HANACEK for picjumbo

Alright, I’ve made a few posts (See Part One and Two ) about my Anti-Anxiety Kit at this point. It’s a summarized list of things (physical and emotional) I have used over the years to help cope with my symptoms as they happened. When I started running, I would lose breath after a 100 yards and fall to my knees, dizzy without oxygen. I got upset and cried because I just wanted to jog. Running was supposed to help me learn how to breathe and make my anxiety better, but instead, it felt like it broke me.

Cover Photo by Emma Simpson on Unsplash